Being "normal"

I'm doing fine
But still torn inside
Watching those I love
Struggle
Because of the mistakes
Of those who were supposed to protect
But failed
The damage done long ago
Still ripping at our hearts
Pain and anger
None can understand
Hurtful words and actions
Digging deeper as years go by
I cry
Knowing I can do nothing
Trying
To be the perfection they see
Hurting just watching
Them try to be me
But they cant
Mother, mother
Your addiction skipped me
Nine months for each
But you couldn't resist a drink
Nature vs nurture
Will I bend to your disease?
Will the echoes of the past
Reverberate in me?
They think I have
Freedom
And I play the part well
"It'll get better"
The lie im trying to sell
Swallow bitch swallow
Eat up all the rage
A life built on a stage
Dont let them see your shame
Give them hope
Let them think
Somewhere there's escape

Fear of rejection ll

look at me

tell me I'm beautiful

take me out

anywhere

write me poetry 

sing me songs

look at me

the way I look at you

I can't stop staring

but it's only your profile I see

still gorgeous

I can't look away

watching you 

stare at a screen

look at me

give me 

some amount of attention

I'm listening

always listening

to words

I sometimes

don't care about

but you do

so I listen

I love your voice

when I speak

you interrupt

ask "what"

sometimes 

you hear nothing at all

look at me

for more then five

seconds

you say you love me

I love you

but sometimes...

I just don't feel it

and it hurts

more then harsh words

or a slap to the face

it's cold

it's like she

ate up all your love

and I

saved all of mine for you

it's all jokes and silly faces

I'm your friend

and you are my love

look at me

consistantly

sweet words

said sometimes

you're busy aren't you?

ironic

everyone else gave me everything

and I gave nothing

I shower all I have upon you

and yet here I am

watching you watch your screen

like every other day

wanting you

needing you

                                            LOOK AT ME

Thoughts

Repeat, repeat, repeat
Words that are recycled
Do they mean the same?
Are they as powerful
if they were first
given to someone else?
I need a new language
something fresh
and brand new.
Don't tell me what you told her
I'm me
I'm different

Aren't I?

Emotions are useless
they cloud reason
they break hearts
Happiness leads to sadness
and then on to anger
resentment
uncertainty
I feel so certain

But is it another game?

The past is the past
I'd like to think
I'm picky
you weren't
or so you say
beautiful words
invoking chills down my spine

How can that be false?

If those words of love
weren't true
how do I know
they are for me?
Under emphasize
the emotions
all you want

But they were there.

Rain ll

My love is a masterpiece
A symphony of bliss
Poetry too beautiful
For any human tongue to pronounce
Like the universe ever expanding
He's infinite
Eternally on my mind
Poisoning me with sweet
Content
Perfection incarnate
A dream
I never believed
Beautiful and inconsistent
He reels me in
And releases
A 10 on the Richter Scale
I'll ride through life
Safe by your side
Wrapped around your finger

                                           I'm yours

Fear and Loathing ll

Tricky
Emotions collide
In a symphony
Of confusion
Fear
Lust
Devotion
You calm my fears
And ignite them
I waited endlessly
Hopeless
Morose
Filling me with your light
I'm reincarnated
Bitterness now sweet
You're all I need
To survive

Golden

Silence is dangerous
Twisted in my hair
Dragging nails across my face
Vicious
Whispering confusion
Uncertainty
Spreading venom
Slathering poisonous
Shit
On my skin
Screaming nothing
Silence
Holds my life within it's hands
Twisting, pulling
Tearing
At my sanity
The only affection it has
Is for my suffering
Murmuring lies
Into my ears
Silence deafens
Me to reality
Chained down
Whimpering
I call out
With no voice
All I can hear is

Silence.

Waltz

Caught up in silence
she screams.
Her chance to be heard
Stop her.
Stop this
Stop
                               Me
tiny cracks across my skin
this addiction
revolting
inviting
comforting
Self abuse my fall back
I cannot stay away
It beckons
so sweetly
a lover wrapping soft arms
around me.
Gathered in this warmth
She shuts up
getting what she wants
Giving up I dissolve
into nothing
feelings dissipated
sight impaired
sound unheard
it's just me
and her

Endlessly.

A puppet to my 
insecurities
dangling from the strings
of abuse
I giggle
hating what I am
loving and hating
                   you.
Don't look
Don't touch
Don't love me
I'm poison
infectious
paralyzing
I will tear you apart
so we can match
you're beautiful

     Let me ruin you.

Supervision

If you knew me
would you love me?
If you could see the inside 
of my mind
would you run?
If I could change
I would
If I could make it stop
I'd give anything.

But I can't

I want to have my feelings flow
down my skin
so soothing that red
Watch me
keep me safe
Thoughts never ending
it doesn't go away
shiny reflecting
The demon 
so tempting
Release me
skim across my skin
reveal the me
I am inside
I hide her
she fights
I struggle every day.
Each victory
just leads

To a new battle

Perfect (Sophmore year)

How do you write of a scream
when letters aren't loud enough?
to write of emotions
language could never perceive
when blank memories fill with fear
and rage bares it's nightmare teeth
who is left to mourn the death
of innocence?
children born of fear, born of sin
so lovely trapped in danger fed on liars' whim
thrown to loneliness straight from a melancholy birth
tremulous hearts of broken worth
all is known but none dare speak
stoic witnesses, partners with tragedy
the world spins on, feigning tears
for the whispered ghosts
of small broken souls
nothing else matters
for children of and with no faith
what is life but to live for hate?
sheltered with uncovered rage
untouchable in anger, their form of safe
screaming sorrow from every pore
they fear love and not much more
scarring words and pounding fists
to bare their hearts of feigned malice

Sweet attempt #1

you're a melody on the eyes
a sweet song with hints
of melancholy
its beautiful
flowing through my veins
intoxicating
eyes burning through my heart
love
set me aflame
burn me up
in your embrace

never let go.

Chips ll

selfish
inadequate
broken
these words mean
nothing
to you
how can someone so pure
want something so damaged?
how can I compare
to four years?
           do you miss her?
I dont care.


you're mine now

acoustic ll

Look at me
My heart stutters
Fighting emotions it fears
Transmission shot
It stalls
Uncertainty reigns
You whisper in my ear
Sweet love
And harsh desire
Biting sarcasm
Dripping off your tongue
Words I hold so closely
So treasured because
They're yours

Beautiful words that hurt ll

Meant for someone else
she's beautiful like you
I'm dying inside
I can't stand these feelings
love, it hurts
scared, I'm weak
I want to run away
but for once in my life
I can't
hurt me, tear me down
whatever you do
don't make me hope
I hate this happiness
it brings on shame
I hate you
I hate your perfection
I hate your past
I hate your sweet voice
words
face
laugh
I hate this pain it brings
I hate these cliches flowing through my head
lies that's all they are
I dont want to believe
in this
in you
in us
in the future
I want to forget
you
but I cant

Piece of Shit

words
hold no more meaning in my heart
lies, deception, I believed
barriers up
sweet words for someone else
will love never be
just for me?
I'm your everything you'll do anything
I've heard this so many times before
bullshit
baby I'm bitter
honey I'm broken
like these words with no rhyme
no rhythm
I lost the feelings to write
years ago
feelings...
are useless they all end in the same place
pain
reels me in again and again
the only companion that says
forever

and means it

heartless

bitch, whore
heartless
your insults
marching through my head
it's sick
that I still love you
you say you feel the same
swear you're always right
but am I the only one
to blame?
for your words made me a monster
locked inside this cage
silent hate
hiding pain
make you think
I am tamed
baby say I'm different
say I'm driving you insane
this cant last forever
you will lose this game